Journal | November 2018

Someone told me we need another child so we can cover all 7 colours of the rainbow. As they say in Australia: yeah, nah 😁

Eureka!

The big aha! moment was seeing how much school children love YouTube stars. OK, maybe I should say “stars”. And by “stars” I mean people that have at least one YouTube video with them in it.

So, I planned on going to McCallums Hill PS to read to the Stage 1 students and do some physics activities. It was a great time and we all had a lot of fun.

But, what I didn’t expect was for the teachers and students to do a little research on me before I arrived. At some point they came across this video from the Perimeter Institute.

And, that was it, they decide I was a YouTube star 😂 When I arrive they swarmed me asking, “Are you the author from YouTube?!” Then they took turns taking pictures with me. It was all very charming and amusing.

Reading!

Children’s Literature Recommendations

Doll-E 1.0 by Shanda McCloskey

Fun illustrations and story of the technology infused world of today’s children. It’ll fit great in any bedtime picture book rotation. It also works to motivate the tinkerer in young listeners.

Ada Lace is on the Case by Emily Calandrelli and Renaee Kurilla

One of the few “first chapter books” that isn’t all about problems encountered at school. Ada, the main character, has to investigate and solve a neighborhood mystery that had my kids thinking and guessing along the way. Whereas many STEM-inspired fiction in this reading category resort to science fiction, Ada Lace sticks to real science and engineering.

Amulet 2 & 3 by Kazu Kibuishi

We continued reading the Amulet graphic novel series. It only gets better! We definitely recommend this for any age. Again, reading aloud a graphic novel may seem counterintuitive, but it definitely works!

Adult Literature September Reads

This Idea Is Brilliant: Lost, Overlooked, and Underappreciated Scientific Concepts Everyone Should Know by John Brockman

This is such a great book to have lying around. It is so easy to dip in and out of. Each chapter is a unique description of a new scientific idea. While they are on the shallow side (think: somewhere between a tweet and a TED talk), the book makes up for it in quantity. I really enjoyed learning about so many new scientific ideas.

Free to Learn: Why Unleashing the Instinct to Play Will Make Our Children Happier, More Self-Reliant, and Better Students for Life by Peter Gray

Read this book whether you have children or not. It’s not just a story about children and schooling, but one of Western society more generally. It really sharpened my observations of my own children’s experience in the school system. There is plenty of advice in here for parents.

Currently reading: Woo’s Wonderful World of Maths by Eddie Woo

Writing!

Wow! 8 Little Planets was named Best Children’s Book 2018 for ages 0-2 by Amazon!

9781492671244_orig.jpg

Next year, some books on engineering topics will be released. Here is the final version of the first cover! It’s ABCs of Engineering with my amazing co-author, engineer and lasers-in-space physicist, Dr Sarah Kaiser.

51mM6c1tSPL

It’s been a while in the making but the first translations of the new versions of the book are available. First up we have Italian! Available now are Ingegneria spaziale and Relatività generale. Next April, Ottica fisica and Fisica Quantistica will arrive.

Molto buona! I did an interview with the Italian publisher, which you can find here. (Google will do a great job translating it from Italian as well 😁)

Arithmetic! (academic news)

All this exciting children’s book news sure illustrates how slow academia moves! Of course, when trying to prove fundamental truths about the world, we are happy to take our time 😉

This month I’ve been dealing with reports from referees. Criticism is a necessary part of science and in many cases referees have provided crucial insight. But, you also have to develop a fairly thick skin.

This rather is rather timely since a podcast recorded last month with Sc-gasm about peer review just aired.

Events!

  • ACEMS 2018 Retreat Keynote titled “All your Bayes are Belong to Us”.

  • I spent a couple days in Perth talking about the children’s books and reading to a great crowd.

View this post on Instagram

Perth! You're awesome ♥️

A post shared by Chris Ferrie (@chris_ferrie) on

  • MathsCraft is workshop for high-schoolers which encourages them to “think like a research mathematician”. Each workshop brings together students, teachers, and mathematicians guide the students in their “play” at maths. It was a great experience and fun to watch the students explore their curiosity with maths.

Up next!

December in Australia combines the holiday season and summer. You’ll find me at the beach!

One is the loneliest prime number

You can’t prove 1 is, or is not, prime. You have the freedom to choose whether to include 1 as a prime or not and this choice is either guided by convenience or credulity.

I occasionally get some cruel and bitter criticism from an odd source. I’m putting my response here for two reasons: (1) so I that I can simply refer them to it and not have to repeat myself or engage in the equally impersonal displeasure of internet arguments, and (2) I think there is something interesting to be learned about mathematics, logic, and knowledge more generally.

It all started when I wrote a very controversial book about an extremely taboo topic: mathematics. In my book ABCs of Mathematics, “P is for Prime”. The short, child-friendly description I gave for this was:

A prime number is only divisible by 1 and itself.

I thought I did a pretty good job of reducing the concept and syllables down to a level palatable by a young reader. Oh, boy, was I wrong. Enter: the angriest group of people I have met on the internet.

You see, by the given definition, I had to include 1 as a prime number since, as we should all agree, it is divisible only by 1 and itself.

Big mistake. Because, apparently, it has been drilled into people’s heads that this is a grave error, a misconception that can eventually lead young impressionable minds to a life of crime and possibly even death! It might even end up on a list of banned books!

By a vast majority, people love the book. I am generally happy with the reponse. The baby books I write are not for everyone—I get that. And I do try to take advice from all the feedback I receive on my books. There is always room for improvement. But the intense emotions some people have with the idea of 1 being a prime number is truly perplexing. Here are some examples:

I actually love the book, but there is a big mistake. The number 1 is not a prime number! The book should not be sold like this and needs to be reprinted.

and

1 IS NOT PRIME! How could a supposed math book have an error like this in it? I am disgusted!

Yikes. So what gives? Is 1 prime, or not? The answer is: that’s not a valid question.

Let me explain.

First, let’s look at a typical definition. Compare to, for example, Wikipedia’s entry on prime numbers:

A prime number (or a prime) is a natural number greater than 1 that cannot be formed by multiplying two smaller natural numbers.

Much more precise—no denying that. It’s grammatically correct, but probably hard to parse. I wanted to avoid negative definitions as much as I could in my books. But that’s beside the point. The reason 1 is not a prime is that the definition of prime itself is contorted to exclude it!

OK, so why is that? Well, the answer is probably not as satisfying as you might like: convenience. By excluding 1 as prime, one can state other theorems more concisely. Take the Fundamental Theorem of Arithmetic, for example:

Every integer greater than 1 either is a prime number itself or can be represented as the product of prime numbers and that, moreover, this representation is unique, up to (except for) the order of the factors.

Now, this statement would not be true if 1 were a prime since, for example, 6 = 2 × 3 but also 6 = 2 × 3 × 1 and also 6 = 2 × 3 × 1 × 1, etc. That is, if 1 were prime, the representation would not be unique and the theorem would be false.

However, if we do chose to include 1 as a prime number, all is not lost. Then the Fundamental Theorem of Arithmetic would still be true if it were stated as:

Every integer is a prime number itself or can be represented as the product of prime numbers and that, moreover, this representation is unique, up to (except for) the order of the factors and the number of 1’s.

Which version do you prefer? In either case, both the definition and theorem treat 1 as a special number. I’d argue that in this context, the number 1 is more of an annoyance that gets in the way of the deeper concept behind the theorem. But in mathematics you must be precise with your language. And so 1 must be dealt with as an awkward special case no matter which way you slice it.

So, is 1 prime, or not? Well, it depends on how you define it. But in the end it doesn’t really matter, so long as you are consistent. And understanding that is a much bigger lesson than memorizing some fact you were told in grade school.

The definition given in ABCs of Mathematics is not wrong” any more than all of the other simplifications and analogies I have made are “wrong”. But, in case you were wondering, the second printing will be modified with the hope that everyone can enjoy the book. Even the angry people on the internet deserve to be happy.

5 Picture Books that Encourage Abstract Thinking

Wow. It doesn’t take long for a blog to get neglected, does it? Let’s make an easy transition back in and start with a listicle. Here I am going list 5 books that we like which are suited to the 3–6 age range and encourage abstract thinking. This won’t be your typical reading experience. There will be a lot of interruptions, questions, and dialogue. It’ll be fun.

In My Heart: A Book of Feelings

51yb6gvrqil-_sx478_bo1204203200_

The kids seem to like the novelty of the heart cut-outs, but they also enjoy the imagery the author instills for each emotion experienced by the sole character. The melodic flow makes it easy and fun to read as well. The books ends with a question, “how does your heart feel?” and I always get an interesting answer.

This is Not a Book

51madpmaczl

book (bʊk), noun: a written or printed work consisting of pages glued or sewn together along one side and bound in covers.

So this is a book. But your kids might argue with you on that. I often catch them “reading” this one on their own, even the ones who can’t read. It’s hard to describe. Just get it.

Ask Me

51oo8cvacll

This might be for a little bit older audience, but it works for the younger ones in small spurts. It is book full of personal, intriguing questions accompanied by a photography or drawing. For example, one page asks, “Have you ever been really alone?” and there is a picture of a child under a tree staring up at the sky. Sometimes they just describe the picture or say “I don’t know”. Occasionally you get a interesting answer and learn something you maybe didn’t know about your child.

The Curious Guide to Things That Aren’t

51oak5oihhl-_sx362_bo1204203200_

For each letter of the alphabet, an idea or non-material thing is first described with clues. The reader must guess before it is revealed and described with a scientifically accurate explanation. For example, D is for Darkness. It is first described cryptically by where you can find it (a cave) and what makes it go away (flashlight).

The Book With No Pictures

bookwithnopictures_3d-300x423

I don’t get it. I mean, I can see why the first 10 times are funny. But over and over again, really? And now you are reading these words because that’s how blogs work. BLORK.

Nature vs. Technology

The picture of the world presented in children’s books today is a baby boomer’s fairy tale.

This quote from a recent NPR article about Physics for Babies has been cited several times.

When reading to his kids, Ferrie noticed that most books used animals to introduce new words. In today’s world, that just didn’t make sense to him. “We’re not surrounded by animals anymore,” says Ferrie, a physicist and mathematician at a university in Sydney, Australia. “We’re surrounded by technology.” So he created some math and science books for his own children and self-published them online.

Recently, I received a question about it:

I disagree on many levels having grown up in a neighborhood of kids who played in the creek, woods, underground camps, and treehouses that nature can ever not make sense. It seems possible you aren’t listening closely enough. Technology may surround us but nature surrounds technology…you just have to look past the technology to see it. Would love to hear more of your thought on nature and it’s place in your and your children’s lives.

This was my reply:

Thank you for your message. I tend to agree with you. Of course, by taking a sufficiently broad definition of nature, then technology itself is nature. Computers are built from materials which are made of naturally occurring substances which are made of fundamental particles. All is nature on some level.

When talking to reporters, I usually speak for about 30-45 minutes. But what gets printed is one cherry-picked sentence. I can only hope I didn’t say anything that sounds terrible out of context.

But in this case I do stand by the above quote about animals, which was referring to the pets, farm, and zoo animals we see all too often in children’s books. Now, whether you are an animal rights activist or not, the trend is clear: farms are becoming invisible to the public, zoos are removing animals or closing, laws about pet ownership are changing, etc. That is, cruelty is becoming more recognizable to the public and will either end (by social or legal pressure) or become more concealed.

The picture of the world presented in children’s books today is a baby boomer’s fairy tale. Creeks and treehouses and sneaking on to Ol’ Man Bill’s field and late summer baseball games and a meadow full of fireflies at dusk—an eternal summer. That is, if it weren’t for [insert Gen X, Y, or Z]. These books are drugs for a generation drunk on nostalgia and reference material for traditionalism.

It is an oxymoronic picture of a world manufactured for a false sense of exploration. For example, it shows us that we should be fascinated by wild animals (lions, tigers, giraffes, etc.) that coincidentally debuted in safari zoos to sate the boredom of that same generation.

But there is a infinite world out there to explore. It’s just that new tools are required to embark on that journey. These are the tools of science and technology. So, yes, not only does nature plays an unavoidable role in my children’s lives, it is the very motivation to give them the tools necessary to discover more of it on their own.

Let kids be kids

Quantum Physics for Babies. Some find it hard to believe. But it is indeed a real book, and other books which introduce abstract scientific concepts to young minds have followed. It’s a quirky idea and I’ve told the story about how it all came about before. And people do love the quirkiness, but the honeymoon is short and sobering questions are soon to arise, like, “Isn’t this a bit much—do we really need another thing to teach children?”

Fear and uncertainty about the daunting task of teaching children about science and mathematics comes to the forefront and then it hits, shot straight from the hip, “Let kids be kids.” You hear that a lot. In fact, it’s said in so many contexts that it’s lost any meaning it might have had, but I think the gist is this: whether guided by gut instinct or scientific research people know the value of play in childhood—but their idea of education as an activity is the exact opposite of play.

I believe this is the wrong way to interpret education. The formal education system that you and I grew up with has existed more-or-less unchanged for several decades. It chops up knowledge into components which are introduced in a linear fashion. Sometimes the paths fork and the major branches are called “careers”. For a time, the system worked quite well—but that time is passed.

This is understandably a source of stress for parents. The education system was supposed to be the rock. Of course we don’t know everything, and so we send the kids to school, which has experts on all topics to fill those gaps. But technology is becoming more and more ingrained into society and everyday life. The problem is that technology is changing so fast that it is nearly impossible to keep up. The idea of having a single career has gone out the window.

This leaves us questioning the role, even the identity, of education. My view is simple: life is education. Maintain that childhood curiosity and drive to ask questions, and whatever you call education will come for free. Besides the obvious things—survival, independence, morality—what is the mark of successful parent? Even ignoring the fact that it is an immense privilege to entertain such a question, this is dangerous territory. But I’ll risk an answer: the goal of parenting is the help your child find their passion, which is that thing that fuels their curiosity.

Are you happy? If so, it’s probably because you do something that you love, at least as a hobby. I’m very lucky in that people pay me to do the things I love. Wouldn’t it be great if I could arrange for that situation to be a little bit more likely for my own children?

So how am I going on helping my children find their passion? I don’t really know. I guess I won’t find out for some time. But here is one step I think can go a long way: variety. Not necessarily for them, but for you. If there is something you avoid, they will never experience it.

I can’t think of any interest my children might have that scares me. But many parents I talk to find mathematics and science scary. Whether it is intentional or not, they steer them away from these topics. The situation is so bad that we discuss when is too young to introduce science to children. Science is just a formalized way of exploring our natural curiosity. You don’t introduce it; you reintroduce it—and only because you’ve taken it away.

Books about mathematics and science for young children are not educational tools for the children. They are reminders for the parents that this is not something to fear. This is something that people derive a lot of passion from. And, if some day your child sees some science topic that interests her, she won’t be afraid of it, because you are not afraid of it.

So, don’t feel you need to read Quantum Physics for Babies because you need to keep up with the Zuckerbergs Joneses. Read it because it’s something you wouldn’t otherwise be exposed to. Read it because you might be curious about the topic. Read it because you had a really cool friend that gifted it to you. Read it because it’s fun. And, if it only leaves you with more questions, good—ask away.

This post originally appeared on the Early Learning Review.

Quantum Physics for Babies

This talk was given at the University of Sydney School of Physics Colloquium 19 June 2017.

It’s​ great to be back here. That feels a bit awkward to say since it’s only been 6 months since I left and I’m only 10 minutes away. But King and Broadway might as well be the Pacific Ocean for academics. I’m Chris Ferrie. I’m just down the road at the Centre for Quantum Software and Information. It’s an awesome new Centre. We’re on Twitter. You should check us out.

Now, though the title of the talk doesn’t make it obvious, I am a serious, well… maybe not serious, but I am an academic. But I also have a hobby… tennis. No, I write children’s books. Yes, it is a real book. And, yes, I wrote it and self published it several years ago when I was a postdoc. Why, and how, and for what purpose, well… that is the purpose of this talk.

measure-1509707_1920Measure twice, cut once. So the old proverb goes. It certainly it makes sense if you only have enough material to build a thing. However, and I see this all too often in otherwise very smart people, too much measuring leads to over optimisation and inaction, not enough cutting. Whereas, I like cut several times, toss things out, try new cutting instruments, and so on. I almost never measure. Ultimately, this is the story of Quantum Physics for Babies. I just did it. It wasn’t carefully planned, nor was there a spark or ah-ha moment which spawned the idea. I started, I failed, I started again.

And, for better or worse, the book became popular. Journalists starting asking me, “why did you write this book?” and, more seriously, “why teach quantum physics to babies, why is that important?”

brain-2062057_1920So, I started to rationalize. Why did I write this book? And, is it important? In particular, is it important for all children, not just my own? (because it is always important to find a way to discuss your passion with your own kids.) I think the answer to “is it important?” is yes. In this talk I’ll walk you through the various levels of rationalisation I’ve went through. Each has an element of truth to it, both for myself personally and what the experts on the topic of early childhood education espouse.

But let me start at the same place I start most things, with a joke. Someone that has known me for only a short time probably wouldn’t be too surprised that I was voted “class clown” in high school. Humor plays a crucial part of almost every aspect of my life. I laugh with my partner, I laugh with my children, I laugh with my friends, and I laugh with other scientists. (Einstein didn’t think it was very funny—but, then again, he never liked quantum physics.) Happiness is the difference between your reality and your expectations. Humor often defies expectation and happiness ensues. So, hopefully you didn’t come to this talk with too many expectations and you’ll leave a little happier then when you came in. At least there’s cake.

There is no denying that I saw the irony as good for a laugh the first time the title popped into my head. Of course, the level of humour I’m talking about is not at all for the advertised audience. I’ve never seen a child laugh at the title of the book. Adults, on the other hand, love the juxtaposition of quantum physics with “for babies”. So I knew that at least a few people would buy it as a gag gift for a nerdy friend having a baby. What I didn’t expect was this nerdy friend getting a copy.

I’ve joked with various people about making other goofy “for babies” books. Why not “contract law for babies” or “geopolitical policy for babies”? Though, the only person in the world that needs to read such a book is too busy tweeting insults at women. But quantum physics—yeah—people seem to agree that is worth being more than a joke, and hopefully I knew something about it.

In the end, I put real thought and effort into the content. The goal became clear enough: how to fill a baby book out with short sentences, no jargon and a coherent description of quantum physics. It was a challenge and there is still probably room for improvement. But I’ve already had people say, “we all had a good laugh, then I started to read it and there was real quantum physics inside.” Many adults even claimed they learned something. But were the children learning?

The unanimous advice for new parents is to read to your newborn. Most say it doesn’t even matter what it is, just read. But, let’s play a little game here. Suppose a parent does read to their child and has no time to add a new book to the rotation. Then, Quantum Physics for Babies needs to replace a book. What book should it be? First, I don’t think it should replace fiction. Fiction and fairy tales serve many purposes and, besides, variety is the spice of life. So we are left with nonfiction, which for baby books is limited solely to only a few types of reference material.

Quantum Physics for Babies - Sydney Uni 19 June 2017 (1)A huge fraction of any newborn’s library will begin with the word “first”: “First Words”, “First book of numbers”, “First alphabet book”, and so on. One quickly gets the impression that these are essential reference books for the early learner. But beyond the obvious things—letters, numbers, shapes, three letter words—are a myriad of books about animals, and mostly farm animals.

Now, learning is tricky concept to define even for adults. There are numerous models of early childhood cognitive development, and so it is hard to say conclusively what is being “learned” and at what level, but something is clearly happening since every 3 year in the world knows what sound a cow makes. Do you? I think I do. But I have never heard one myself. Maybe there was a time when that was important, or at least relevant, but I don’t think that time is today.

Quantum Physics for Babies - Sydney Uni 19 June 2017 (2)Here is another example. Do you know what these birds are? My children seem to know and can identify the difference between a penguin and a puffin. Why? Why are there more books about puffins than there are puffins and no books about transistors when you are probably sitting on a billion of them right now. In your phone lives a few billion transistors making up, by the standards of only decade ago anyway, a supercomputer. A child today will probably spend their entire life closer to computer than they will an animal of comparable size. I’m not suggesting than all books on animals be replaced by physics for babies books, but we could maybe replace a few.

I won’t claim my children understand quantum physics, but they certainly understand it at the same level they understand anything else gotten from a book. They will tell you that everything in the world is made of atoms and atoms are made of neutrons, protons and electrons and electrons have energy. I think that is about the same level of understanding as being able to identify a puffin, or should I say Fratercula corniculata for the baby ornithologists in the crowd.

So it seems then that Quantum Physics for Babies is here to stay. But we’re all scientists here and we love nothing more than free cake and to categorize things. So where does Quantum Physics fit? In what aisle of the bookshop does it sit on the shelf? Well, it turns out that it has been shoehorned into the new educational buzzword de jour: STEM.

Quantum Physics for Babies - Sydney Uni 19 June 2017 (3).png

STEM (Science Technology Engineer and Mathematics) started out as an initiative to focus on its namesake topics with the goal of training a workforce ready for the careers that were assumed new technologies would create. Interestingly, the first press mention of the acronym seems to go back to 2008 when The Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation donated $12 million dollars to the Ohio STEM Learning Network, which is still going strong today. Most never looked back. [By the way, much backlash ensued over leaving out the Arts, for example. So you might see STEAM or even STREAM (Reading) out there.]

Now governments all over the world currently have numerous initiatives at all levels of the curriculum to enhance what they called STEM-based learning. This is vaguely and variably defined and can mean anything from simply having access to more technology in the classroom to the design and building of simple machines to solve practical problems. But the motivation and directives that follow are often based on decade-old studies suggesting rises in STEM-related jobs. One recent state-level education​ department cited a study with data collected prior to the release of the first iPhone (that was only 10 years ago, by the way). The often cited report of the Chief Scientist of Australia contained recommendations citing data accumulated from 1964-2005. Policy is good, but it cannot keep up with the pace of technology.

Disruption! The fear today—fueled by startups, makers, and ever younger entrepreneurs—is that we just have no idea what jobs will look like in the future. And so STEM, at least for the trailblazers, is now a movement with the audacious goal of graduating creators and innovators. We no longer want graduates who simply have more and integrated technical skills.

What does this look like? Let me give you an example. Here is Taj Parabi, now 17, CEO of his own business which ships DIY tablets. His company, fiftysix, also visits schools and puts on extracurricular workshops for students on technology and… entrepreneuring! That’s right. Your children are competing with 8-year-olds trained to be CEOs of their own companies!

On a topic near and dear to my own heart, a now veteran effort from the Institute for Quantum Computing is the Quantum Cryptography School for Young Students (QCSYS)Quantum Physics for Babies - Sydney Uni 19 June 2017 (4), which invites international high-school students for a week of intensive training on quantum technology. Indeed, many of these students eventually become PhD students in Quantum Information Theory. Other efforts include school incursions and the new QUANTUM: The Exhibition which is an all-ages, hands-on exploratory exhibit.

Quantum Physics for Babies - Sydney Uni 19 June 2017 (5)On the other side of the border (remember: the wall is on the souther border), IBM has recently released the “Quantum Experience”, an app that lets you program a quantum computer, a real quantum computer. You create an algorithm and then jump in the queue for it to run on real device housed in IBM’s labs. Here they are video conferencing with a school in South Africa and hosting local students.

So that is the tiniest snapshot of STEM education today. Is Quantum Physics for Babies on par with these efforts? Are the children learning the skills necessary to be quantum engineering start-up entrepreneurs? Of course not. Quantum Physics for Babies, at least as far as reading to actual babies is concerned, is about the parents.

20 years from now, your child might be sitting in an interview for the job of Quantum Communication Analyst or Quantum Software Engineer. How long will it be before such topics feature in the report of the Chief Scientist on the curriculum? How long before it is mainstream in public schools? I’m not holding my breath.

The problem today is that it’s impossible to keep up. Pilot studies, kids maker studios, programming toys and apps, … These are all beautiful, but the growth of STEM education has now outpaced even the technology. The curriculum cannot keep up, and so the onus of STEM education, however you want to define it, is largely on the parents.

Again, the efforts of STEM education researchers are impressive, but a parent cannot assume that their child will happen to be in the school that benefits from these one-off pilot studies or incursions. The education system in most developed countries has been too long taken for granted and is now depleted from underfunding. No doubt there are many great principals and great teachers out there. Two days from now, I’m going to go speak with a dozen principals and teachers about STEM education. But there are almost 1500 primary schools in Sydney alone (over 3000 in New South Wales). There is much that needs to be done at the larger scale—but even if I said that was being done, it is little comfort for parents today.

So—in the end—this is what I both want and expect from the book: the elimination of doubt and fear. I want quantum physics, indeed all physics and math and science, to be normal for a child to take interest in. When your child asks about going to Canada for a summer school on quantum cryptography, that should be seen as normal request. When she asks to help her set up an account for a quantum cloud computing service, you should be like, no worries I already have one.

Today, when 1 in 3 Americans would rather clean a toilet then do a math problem, when a search for “quantum physics” brings up Deepak Chopra instead of Stephen Hawking, and when the facts pointing to climate change are seen as equally compelling as a celebrity’s argument for a flat earth, we need all the help we can get. And we need to start that conversation as early as possible.

Quantum Physics for Babies was just the beginning…IMG_20170606_175007

The power of silence

It is too easy to get trapped into the mentality that—because you know better—you can instantly fix a child’s problem. So why is it that resistance follows? Hint: it’s because you are not listening.

Recently I decided to take the plunge into audiobooks. Since this was a new venture for me, I decided also to listen to something I wouldn’t otherwise read: a parenting book. I’m not implying that I’m a perfect parent by thatI’ve just been blessed by a great partner and four amazing children, such that I haven’t felt the need to seek unnecessary advice.

Whether or not you think you are in the same boat, you should definitely pick up a copy of How to Talk so Your Kids will Listen and Listen so Your Kids will Talk written by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. Now, at this point you might be sarcastically saying, “Thanks for alerting us to the existence of a 30 year old parenting book in its 13th edition that has been referred to as the parenting bible.” But, this post is for those who don’t frequent self-help blogs and the parenting aisle of the bookshop; you might think you have a great relationship with your kidsthis book will make it better.

A comment about the audiobook

Before I continue, let me remind you that I listened to the audio version of the book. I have mixed, but still overall positive, feelings about this. First, there are plenty of cartoons in the physical book which obviously don’t translate to audio. I honestly didn’t notice this. Second, there are lots of exercises and places where you are asked to write things down. This is a bit awkward if you are listening to the book while being active. On the other hand, it is narrated by Susan Bennett, otherwise known as Siri. She does an absolutely amazing job capturing the emotion of the authors and, most importantly, the constant dialog in the book between parent and child. In any case, the content is well worth it. The remainder of this discussion will be about the content of the audiobook.

Nitpicking

I noticed that much of dialog in the book was dated in terms of language and subject matter. For example, a situation considered in the book was a child who borrowed and scratched a father’s compact disc. I mean, does anyone even own CD’s anymore? Luckily, this is more of a nostalgic amusement than a distraction.

I also didn’t like how the anniversary edition involved appendices of additions rather than a more streamlined approach. It felt a bit lazy and tacked on. In any case, the additional content was a useful addition to an otherwise great book.

Examples, examples, examples

A large chunk of How to Talk consists of real-life example dialogue between parent and child. These are invaluable. Often, the advice seems obvious in hindsightvalidate feelings, for example. But, it’s only after hearing the examples when you really see where improvement can be made. The examples usually begin with a fictitious unhelpful response from the parent, followed by a helpful response. Let me give you an example that actually happened to me when I tried to use the skills on my own children after reading the first chapter: “Helping Children Deal with Their Feelings.” My strategy was to default to silent acknowledgment whenever I couldn’t quickly find an appropriate response. 

Situation 1: Child (7) is asked to practice math exercises. After doing a few, she becomes bored and says, “I can’t do it.” Clearly, she can. Here is a typical way this would play out.

Child: I can’t do it.
Parent: Yes you can.
Child: I can’t. I don’t know how.
Parent: Well, you are not leaving the table until it is done.
Child (now crying): But I want to watch a movie!
Parent (voice raised): No movies until you are done all your homework!
Child: You’re mean!

And there is no end to the cycle. But, here is how it actually went:

Child: I can’t do it.
Parent: You feel that question is too hard for you?
Child: Yeah.
Parent: Hmm…
Child: [silence]
Parent: [silence]
Child: I think the answer is 17.

I couldn’t believe how well silence works for acknowledging feelings. Here is another example.

Situation 2: Child (3) is struggling to get his footwear on. He is frustrated that the sandal won’t fit on the wrong foot. Here is the typical way this would have gone.

Child (clearly frustrated): I can’t get it on!
Parent: That’s because you are putting it on the wrong foot.
Child: NO! It doesn’t fit!
Parent: Would you like me to do it for you?
Child: No!
Parent: [forces sandal on correct foot]
Child: [cries]

Here is how it actually went:

Child (clearly frustrated): I can’t get it on!
Parent: I see you are frustrated with that sandal.
Child (calmer): It doesn’t fit.
Parent: That can be so frustrating!
Child: [silence]
Parent: [silence]
Child (probably knowing all along): It’s the wrong foot.
Parent: [silence]

And he took it off the wrong foot and put it on the correct foot!

Bottom line

How to Talk contains seven chapters, the last being titled, “Putting it All Together.” But, to my mind, the first chapter contains the key insights to a better emotional relationship with my children. In the past, I’ve tried to avoid situations like those exemplified above. Accepting and dealing with my children’s emotions has not been that difficult because I have been fairly well in tune with them. This meant that I was able to easily anticipate meltdowns and avoid them altogether. For example, if I sensed that my 3 year old was irritable, I would not ask him to put his own shoes on, thereby avoiding the situation.

But protecting the children from their own feelings is not doing them any favors in the long run, and is becoming ever more difficult with a growing family. So, rather than doing the hard work of anticipating and preventing the emotional distress of my children, I’m now trying to acknowledge and accept how difficult it is to become an autonomous little person in a grown-up world.